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Are you getting an adequate amount of sleep these days? If not, then what is the reason behind this. Have you ever given a thought to it? Recently I was asked this great although very common question. I was completely puzzled out. I went blank. How strange is this? Isn’t it? A simple and common question like this left me pondering over many things which I have never thought about or you can say I never considered it important to think about.

What keeps me awake at night?

To find the answer to this question I started making an endless list in my mind. What can be the reason which is not letting myself have peaceful sleep at night? Many thoughts started popping into my head. I even googled to check what are the things which can keep a student like me awake at night. I found many articles but one was clashing with the other. So, I ended up with this list.

·       Stress – Yes this could be one such reason which I might take to bed with me. Study looms large in people’s minds, and I am not Einstein to not get affected by it. Stress-related to studies, job, career, parent’s and society’s expectations all these thoughts suddenly started crashing into my head. And then I realized that this could be the potential reason.

·       Insomnia – This might be the problem that maybe I am a born insomniac. Tossing and turning on the bed, failing to fall asleep. This can also be a problem.

·       Racing Thoughts – One can have control over his/her feelings but one can’t control his thoughts. It is said that you can stop someone from coming after you but how can you stop someone from thinking about you. I am the kind of person who loves being lost in her imagination. You can call me a mess of chaos. Sometimes I keep trying to make them stop, but nothing works. It is very hard for me to control my thoughts.

·       Depression – Maybe I am suffering from depression. If you sometimes start crying without any reason, then what will you call it. What will you call it when you don’t even know the reason why you are crying? I seem to cry more often when I try sleeping. But even at other times of the day when I am not crying, I often feel sad about something. And the worst part is that I don’t know the reason, or maybe I know but just don’t want to accept it.

      I started thinking about what else could be the reason which is keeping me awake at night. Then it came to me, that I should think about that one time when I slept peacefully without any thought racing around in my mind. Suddenly something hit me strikingly from within. Everything went doomed. All of the list which I have made up in my mind disappeared and only thoughts started lingering in my mind. I started feeling chills without fever. Tears started shedding from my eyes and I felt the same pain that I have been trying to hide vigorously for the past many years.

      What happens to a dream deferred? For me, it just explodes. He was my dream. His picture radiated happiness for me. He is the one whom I cannot have. You might not believe in one true love, but I do. For me, he is the only one. Even after he left me alone, he will forever be the one. I often used to think about people who used to get move on quickly. Even my friends suggested me the same but I failed and I failed terribly. Call me a loser if you want but for me, you can fall in love many a time but with just that one person whom you consider your eternal love.

      His memory was a pounding headache or a stiff back which is the reason why I have sleepless nights. Not being able to sleep is perhaps a common occurrence after a breakup. I guess it has affected me badly. Mostly because my mind is so busy running through the events that happened in the past. Even sometimes when I manage to fall asleep, I wake up more frequently. This all is due to my restless mind and my broken heart. Maybe I haven’t accepted the truth yet. Maybe I’m still stuck in the past, in his thoughts, and his memories.

      Little does my mind know that remembering those vibrant memories will likely inflict more pain and aggravate my situation further. And needless to say, he has started living in my mind persistently, even more than he used to when we were together. I used to tell him, “My happiness lies in your happiness.” He is now happy even without me then why do I have to face sleepless nights? Why do his thoughts keep me awake at night? I’ll tell you why I had to.

      ·       They say you realize the value of something when it is lost. But I had always valued him. And maybe that’s why I lost my sleep. I valued him beyond everything and when I wasn’t reciprocated, I lost my sleep.

      ·       I lost my sleep because I couldn’t get over the thought that he can even be happier without me.

      ·       His smile used to radiate happiness in my life. Thinking about the thought that it’s reflecting upon someone else’s life has made me lose my sleep.

      ·       I have lost my sleep because somewhere in the corner of my heart I knew that he will come back to me, but that desire for us to be back together is still unfulfilled.

     You might consider me a lunatic but I guess I am happy this way, lost in my unfathomable thoughts, lost in the memory of that last tranquil night when I was in his arms lost in our world together. I am now used to of these sleepless nights where I am awake with his thoughts subconsciously protracting in my mind. While I am writing this, I can feel that same pain running through me. Memories are sneaking out of my eyes and rolling down my cheeks. Something which was endured within my heart for so long has suddenly busted out. I finally got the answer to my question. His memories are the one which makes me awake at night. Maybe I will have these sleepless nights forever.

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